I'm so in love that I acted insane
New AP Taylor Swift Podcast episode, deep dive into "The Way I Loved You" out now!
This week we dive into “The Way I Loved You.” One guy’s screaming and fighting, the other is sensible and incredible. We go line-by-line to identify who’s involved in this love triangle, the emotions behind the narrator’s dilemma, and why the narrator doesn’t seem to want the sensible, incredible, comfortable partner. Is this a lyrical analysis or a relationship analysis? Listen and find out!
Scroll down for some extra credit from Jodi where she unpacks her personal reflections on The Way I Loved You.
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🎒This Week’s Extra Credit - Brought to You by Jodi
I want to let you in on a little podcast secret, dear reader: while we always pre-record our episodes weeks or months ahead, these few episodes were recorded an era ago—in February (yes, a literal Taylor Swift era ago, we were still in our Midnights era!). Since we’re not talking about gossip, rumors, or super time-sensitive Taylor Swift topics, listeners will probably never be able to tell how long ago our episodes were recorded. But this huge gap between recording, editing, and releasing these last few episodes means when I listened to this week’s deep dive of “The Way I Loved You,” I had pretty much zero recollection of the conversation. I was experiencing this episode like you all do—following the threads of our discoveries, trying to figure out what the song means alongside the podcast’s real-time interpretations.
What struck me about listening to this episode with fresh ears wasn’t what I said, but what I didn’t say. I realized listening to this episode how deeply personal my interpretation of this, and all, of Taylor’s songs are; yet I rarely if ever share the personal stories or perspectives that led me to my interpretations and conclusions. Listening to myself talk about the relationship dynamics in the song—how the narrator has an anxious attachment style, how she’s going through her checklist of what she wants in a partner, but that she misses the “spark” when it comes to dating—what I heard was someone who spent the previous year examining her own approach to dating and relationships.
Let me back up.
Is it cool that I said all that?
Podcasts are a very intimate and personal medium. When we’re recording, it’s ridiculously easy to forget that this isn’t just a conversation I’m having with Jenn and Maansi. I have to remind myself frequently that the intention is for thousands of people (or if I’m manifesting, millions!) to hear what we’re saying, so I need to be careful what I say and how I say it. As Tina Fey said to Bowen Yang on Las Culturistas about the risks of saying whatever you think and feel on a podcast: “Authenticity is dangerous and expensive.” Colleagues and acquaintances listen to my podcast—so there’s only so much I want to divulge.
It’s come up on the podcast that Maansi and Jenn are both married, and I’m single. So it’s no surprise that I often have a bit of a different interpretation or perspective on songs about relationships, simply because of our different life and relationship experiences. But what I haven’t shared is that I went through a pretty big breakup about 6 months before starting this podcast. Details of the relationship or the breakup aren’t important here; what’s important to know is that this breakup changed how I listen to Taylor Swift’s music. Suddenly, I understood what she meant when she sings in “All Too Well” “Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it / I'd like to be my old self again / But I'm still trying to find it.” I couldn’t even listen to “Happiness,” “There’ll be happiness after you / but there was happiness because of you, too”. I couldn’t listen to most of Taylor’s songs for months since they took on new meaning for me, as I finally understood what it means to lose a love you thought would last. The love songs triggered tears and fears, and the breakup songs hit too close to home. I’ve often thought if “You’re Losing Me” came out before my breakup, I might have stopped listening to Taylor altogether—that one has lyrics that could have come from my own journals.
I never knew I could feel that much
So when we recorded our deep dive episode of “The Way I Loved You,” I’d spent the previous year thinking about how to approach dating again; what’s important to me in a relationship? How do I want to feel around a partner? What do I want my life to look like and how does a partner fit into that picture? And then here’s a song grappling with something similar, albeit from the perspective of being in a relationship and comparing it to a previous one.
In the song, the speaker compares her current relationship with a gentleman who she doesn’t feel anything for, to a previous relationship with someone frustrating and complicated, but with whom she at least felt something, which she calls love. On the episode I name-dropped a lot of the references and resources that I used to explore my approach to dating—from Matchmaker Maria, an astute and direct matchmaker with a fantastic Instagram presence; to “Attached,” the millennial-favorite book on dating attachment styles. These sources (and more) shaped not only my perspective on dating and relationships but also informed my perspective on the song.
If “all my single friends are jealous,” is that a reason to stay in a relationship? What about when a guy “says everything I need to hear,” shouldn’t that be enough? He’s a gentleman who “opens up my door,” he’s polite and well-mannered, that’s an important box to check! If all these things are true, but I have to fake a smile and “I'm not feeling anything at all” then no—this is not a relationship to be in. It’s settling.
But similarly, if we’re “screaming and fighting” frequently; I’m left “Breaking down and coming undone;” and the words I use to describe a partner are “wild and crazy /Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated” that’s absolutely not a relationship I want to be in either. The speaker is mistaking anxiety and nervousness for feelings of love.
Taylor wrote this song as a teenager, but the song’s sentiment—figuring out what you want in a relationship, how you deserve to be treated, and focusing on how someone makes you feel—is relatable even as a 30-something-year-old. I disagree with the presumed conclusion the song comes to—that a “roller coaster kind of rush” is preferred in a relationship, or that it truly is “love.” But I do agree that it’s important to focus on how I want to feel in a relationship and not the checklist of traits I want in a partner. And I wish I learned it when it seems like Taylor did, way back in the Fearless era.
Bonus: Maybe this song is about Dean vs Jess?
When scouring YouTube for Taylor performing this song live, I stumbled upon this genius Gilmore Girls X Taylor Swift crossover. A+ no notes.